I Am Water Read online

  of curls sprung.

  Arms touched.

  Who was I

  before that did not know

  this feeling?

  130

  After, Day 30

  It’s been

  a month.

  He stopped

  writing

  me letters.

  He hasn’t

  returned

  my phone call

  for

  a week

  now.

  We’re in

  a drought

  and I

  haven’t seen

  a

  single

  inchworm

  since

  he

  left.

  131

  An Unwelcome Truth

  Sam doesn’t look himself tonight.

  Like he has a sour taste in his mouth that seems to have nothing to do with the coconut lime milkshake I forced on him.

  “Okay, just tell me whatever it is that’s been bothering you for the last hour.

  I’ll buy you a Reese’s shake,” I say.

  Sam shifts in the booth,

  like he’s weighing a great problem.

  I take our fries hostage

  until he gives in.

  “I think I saw Ezra tonight,” he says.

  Not meeting my eyes.

  “What? Where?”

  “On the far corner of Main Street.

  By the theater.

  I’m not positive because

  he changed direction when I saw him.

  Started toward the quarry path.”

  “That’s not possible,” I stammer.

  He’s still not meeting my gaze.

  I can tell there’s something else

  132

  he’s not telling me.

  “Sam, I…”

  “He was with someone else, Hannah.

  A girl I didn’t recognize.”

  That’s when confusion

  and hurt turn into rage.

  A rage that seems to be

  the only alternative to silence.

  “You’re wrong,” I practically shout.

  Turning a few heads nearby.

  “You’ve just always been waiting

  for him to mess up somehow.

  You see a guy who looks

  a little like him from far away

  and think the worst.”

  Now it’s my turn

  to leave the booth early.

  The milkshake unfinished.

  The friend sitting alone.

  I storm outside.

  I need the comfort of the river.

  But a voice somewhere

  in the back of my head,

  in the folds of my heart,

  in the pit of my stomach, says,

  Don’t go to the quarry tonight.

  There’s no comfort for you there.

  133

  Troubling Phone Conversation #1

  “Hannah,

  it’s not that

  I don’t want

  to see you.

  I do.

  I’m just

  figuring

  some things out

  right now.

  And

  it has

  to happen

  here.

  Not in

  that town.”

  That town.

  It’s the

  first time

  since he

  moved here

  that he’s made it

  so apparent

  he’s an outsider.

  That he

  doesn’t belong.

  “Things?

  What things?

  134

  I’ll help you

  figure them out.”

  “No.

  Thank you,

  but no,” he says.

  “It has to

  be just

  me.

  It’s just,

  I’m

  a different

  person

  here and

  I don’t

  know

  who to be

  when

  I go

  back to

  a place I

  already

  left

  behind.”

  Left behind.

  Ouch.

  135

  Troubling Phone Conversation #2

  “Hannah,

  I didn’t cheat

  on you.

  Nothing happened. But

  I’ve been

  learning

  about this

  thing where

  someone is

  in more

  than one

  relationship

  at a time.

  And I think

  I need

  to try it.”

  “We

  need to

  try it?” I ask.

  “We.

  Yeeeessss.

  We.”

  You hesitated,

  I want to say.

  136

  “It’s just,

  people have

  different needs.

  Changing needs,

  and…”

  Where have I

  heard this before?

  Immediately,

  I remember

  my brother

  wiping

  puffy,

  red eyes.

  Hiding them

  beneath

  his old

  baseball cap

  while I sat

  on my stool.

  My head

  on his shoulder.

  My arm around

  his back.

  “And we just

  don’t have

  what we

  once had?”

  I ask.

  137

  “What?

  No.

  It’s not

  like that.

  It’s hard to

  explain.

  I still love you.

  It’s just that

  this is

  something

  separate.

  It’s kind of

  like,

  so

  you know how

  I’m a

  Capricorn?

  Earth,

  right?

  Well,

  I still have

  a lot of

  Sagittarius.

  Fire.

  And sometimes

  I need to

  let that take

  a little

  more

  control.”

  138

  “And burn

  everything

  you planted?”

  I ask.

  “Well,

  I mean,

  sometimes

  scorch and burn is

  a healthy way to

  clear the landscape.

  Let the fire

  take over

  for a bit

  so that the earth

  can grow better

  afterwards.

  Being with

  other people,

  it wouldn’t mean

  anything.

  Just something new.

  Wouldn’t change

  how I feel

  about you.

  It’s just not

  all that

  fair

  to expect

  monogamy.

  Just one person

  139

  for each person.”

  I bite my lip

  and command

  the water inside me

  not to slip out

  of my eyes.

  “Maybe you

  should just

  leave your landscape

  unplanted

  for a

  while.

  That does

  the same

  trick,”

  I say.

&
nbsp; “Don’t

  be

  like

  that,”

  he says.

  140

  Unanswered Voicemail

  from Ezra #1

  “Listen,

  I’m sorry.

  I can tell

  this

  hurts

  you.

  We don’t have

  to do this

  if you

  don’t want to.

  Just promise me

  you’ll think

  it over

  and

  get back

  to me.

  I’ll come home

  next weekend and

  you can show me

  all the amazing things

  you’ve been making

  for that art show

  of yours.”

  141

  Quarry, Harvest Moon

  There’s a full moon tonight.

  The first since

  he’s been gone.

  Which means he’s

  burning

  a bundle of sage.

  Prayers wafting

  upward

  like smoke.

  It’s the same moon

  hearing his pleas

  tonight

  that is

  also there

  for me.

  Over 100

  miles away.

  And I wonder

  if he ever said

  a prayer

  for that.

  I wonder

  if he ever said

  a prayer

  for me.

  The moon says

  she owes

  142

  me

  nothing.

  That this

  is how

  it should

  be.

  The boy who

  used to

  sit with me

  under the moon

  says

  he owes

  me

  nothing.

  I don’t

  believe this

  is how

  it should

  be. But,

  even when

  he’s gone,

  the moon

  tells me

  to love

  him just

  the same.

  I remember

  his words.

  “You have to

  let people

  143

  be people.”

  I’ve always

  wanted him

  to be

  himself.

  I love him

  for always

  being

  himself.

  But

  I’ve been

  trying

  to stomach

  the idea of

  him holding

  someone else.

  And

  it comes

  to this:

  There are just

  some things

  I’m

  not okay

  with us

  being.

  144

  A Knowing

  Renny

  senses

  we

  need

  to

  talk

  before

  I’ve

  even

  made

  it

  to

  his

  door

  with

  the

  stool.

  “It’s

  about

  Ezra,

  isn’t

  it?”

  I let go

  of everything.

  145

  The secret visit.

  The unanswered

  messages.

  The college girls

  taking

  my place.

  When I finish,

  his face

  is a mix of

  stumped

  and

  concerned.

  He doesn’t threaten

  to go beat up

  my boyfriend.

  Or get angry like

  a lot of brothers

  would. And

  I’ve always loved him

  for that.

  He’s protective,

  but

  he realizes that

  most of the time,

  I need to protect

  myself.

  “Relationships

  are hard,

  complicated

  things,

  146

  Hannah.

  It sounds

  like

  you’re

  starting off

  with

  a tough one.”

  He gives

  a slight smile.

  Then

  he

  adjusts

  his

  baseball

  cap

  and

  leans

  forward.

  Real

  talk.

  “So,

  I’ve always found

  it’s best not

  to change

  for people.

  Much better

  to change

  because

  of people.

  147

  A relationship

  can teach you

  things you

  carry on

  to

  your next one.

  It can

  change your

  perspective or

  what you find

  you want.

  But,

  if someone

  asks you

  to change

  for them

  in a way

  you really can’t,

  then sometimes

  you just can’t.”

  148

  A Decision

  I pick up

  the phone and

  finally

  call Ezra back.

  “I can’t do

  what you want.

  I thought about it.

  If I

  pretended like

  it was okay

  with me,

  I just know

  it would

  eat me up inside.

  Until I became

  a mimosa

  or

  poison ivy.

  And then

  I wouldn’t

  be

  me

  and

  we wouldn’t

  be

  us.

  149

  You would

  lose me.

  That’s what

  would happen.”

  150

  A Response

  I expected

  that

  to be

  the end

  of the

  conversation.

  He said we

  didn’t have

  to do it

  if

  I didn’t

  want to.

  That it

  mattered

  to him

  if

  it hurt

  me.

  But

  he

  sounded

  frustrated.

  “You just

  don’t understand.

  You can’t

  expect me

  151

  to just be

  the old me

  when

  I’ve been

  changing

  here.

  And

  I could be

  this new me

  with

  girls here.

  And we

  would

  still have

  what we

  had before.

  I’d

  probably

  come

  home

  less,

  but…”

  “You don’t


  come home

  now,” I say.

  “Because it

  makes me anxious.

  I don’t know who

  to be right now.”

  152

  “You always

  seemed

  to me

  like you

  know exactly

  who you are.

  That’s one of

  the things I

  like

  best

  about

  you,” I say.

  Ezra sighs.

  “I still love you

  and I

  want to be

  in a relationship

  with you.

  So I

  won’t have

  a relationship

  here then.

  Okay?

  Happy?

  I’ll just stick to

  a few

  meaningless

  romances

  on the side.

  153

  Nothing

  emotional.

  Just

  figuring out

  attraction and

  desire and

  myself.

  Okay?”

  I know.

  I know,

  it’s

  not

  the same.

  At all.

  But

  I can’t help

  the

  flashback.

  That

  flashback.

  The drunken

  quarry night

  and

  all that

  emotionless

  touching.

  If that is

  really what

  he wants,

  154

  then

  maybe

  we’re not

  as alike

  as

  I thought.

  155

  A Resolution

  “No.

  Not okay.

  I love

  you,

  but

  I love

  myself,

  too,”

  I say.

  “You might

  not know

  who you

  are yet,

  but

  I know me.

  And if you

  don’t want

  me,

  then I

  don’t want

  this.

  The day you

  touch someone else

  is the day

  we’re

  through.

  Decide.”

  156

  A long pause

  and

  a deep sigh.

  “Okay,

  okay.

  I’ll drop it.”

  157

  A Completion

  A few days later,

  I put the finishing touches

  on the paintings of

  Ezra and me.

  One of us

  floating on our backs

  through

  a star-speckled sky.

  Another of him

  playing

  mandolin

  on top of

  the moon.

  Colors gushing

  from

  the neck of

  the instrument.

  At least

  half a dozen

  more.

  Finally ready

  to show him.

  158

  Unanswered Voicemail #2

  He left me

  a message saying

  he has a test

  on Monday.

  He can’t

  come home